I guess it all boils down to one question: what do I want?
I can make a long list on that. But then i would end up writing things that I don’t really desire, and fill the paper just for the sake of it. But I also don’t want to be cliche and say I want to be happy. No, what I want is to know myself. Maybe that is why I feel like this, like I am at war with myself, because I don’t know her. I don’t know her full potential and never will.
Why never? Do I lack discipline, am I scared of change, am I approaching this in the wrong way?
Why when I know what I want, not do it?
Or maybe this is not even what I really want. Maybe the problem is the fact that I don’t want anything as much as to actually work for it.
I want to think that this is okay, I want to believe that it will get better but not wanting anything in this mortal world is like not wanting life itself.
And now that I think about it, honestly life, to live, it is overrated.
I was scared but tried to hide it. I tried to be strong, hoping I could push through this. After all it was just a simple cut, not too much blood. But then I felt it. I was fading, fast. So I ran. I sat somewhere as I knew what was coming. It has happened before.
The room was dark, the only light coming from outside. My sight darkened so I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. My ears started ringing, and then, silence.
I remember it. It was beautiful, that world. There were two men greeting me. But I can’t seem to remember their faces. Only their shoes, which seemed so familiar. One pair black and the other brown. They were quite old fashioned and a little worn-out. We had a long conversation, about what, I don’t know. But I know that they showed me something which terrified me. I remember feeling disappointed on myself, like I had done or was going to do something which I would regret. Afterwards they disappeared. Leaving me alone in an empty space. Then I see a light coming from behind me. It was warm and inviting. I get curious so I turn around and catch only a glims of it, before falling.
That’s when I wake up, my body still shaking from the shock. And the feelings come again, those of uncertainty and disappointment. So I sat there in the dark, crying in silence and cursing myself for being so reckless while chopping some zucchini that I cut myself accidently, while preparing dinner.
To write you have to experience, To experience you have to live, To live you have to feel, And to feel you can’t help but get hurt. And i got hurt, a lot… So i stoped feeling, Now i have no life, So i don’t experience, Therefore i am unable to write.
Im trying to find myself, still. I think I will be saying this for the rest of my life.
Who am I when no one is watching?? I am a child roaming around the house looking for candy, I am a teenage stuck to my phone and smiling stupidly, I am a housewife cleaning and cooking, I am a creep looking for adventure.
What if I exist through the window in the middle of the night? It’s not that high I can do it. What if I walk around town alone? What if I start a fire by the beach and drink a bottle or two? What if I booked a ticked right now and disappeared for a week? Who am I when nobody Is watching? I am all of you, I am everything, I am the light shining in the darkness I created. I am free…
I have discovered that I have a very obsessive personality, meaning whenever something catches my attention I focus on that until I feel like I have exhausted the topic and it does not excite me anymore. Strangely enough this month it’s the fallen angel.
Instead of talking about how the bible has portrayed Satan I want to show another side of him. And what better way to do so than to reference TV shows. For all of you who have Netflix you can find everything there.
The first show I’m going to talk about is Devilman crybaby. This was recommended to me and until recently I had no idea that anime could be so brutal. I was warned several time before watching this and now I’m warning you. Even though this is a cartoon it is not for the fainted heart.
The series talk about two friends who have totally different personalities as well as looks. Akira is the main character. He has dark hair and a very soft heart. He is a crybaby. Ryo on the other hand has blonde hair and a very clean look. He is quite cold and heartless. One day he reaches out to Akira and asks for his help on hunting the ancient devils that have come to Earth. They are hidden inside human bodies so the only way to kill a devil is by attacking them in their human form. But Akira becomes a devil as well, and different from others he keeps his humanity. So he becomes a devilman. Half human, half devil. Ryo sees this as an advantage to fight the other devils but everything goes out of control when he exposes them to the entire world. Now people are doubting each other, they are accusing each other for being monsters and loosing their humanity in the process. Therefore the end of the world comes. Everything is destroyed. Meanwhile Akira fights to save his friends and family Ryo goes back to the place it all began, seeking for answers. He discovers his past, the reason of his existence, what his purpose was. Roy was the fallen angel. The devil who was sentenced to earth by God. It was all Gods plan for Ryo to befriend Akira, and in the end fight him to his death. Only by loosing Akira would Ryo feel. This was gods punishment.
While watching this anime I never thought that Ryo could be the devil. He had such angelic looks, but than again Lucifer was an angel too. And despite everything, Rio was not the one to push the humans towards self destruction contrary to popular belief and how we perceive the devil.
Another show I want to mention is Lucifer. In the show the devil has left his position as king of hell and has chosen to live between humans in LA. There he meets a detective and they end up solving crimes together. While watching it I couldn’t help but feel sympathy for Lucifer. He has a quirky personality and is quite blunt. He often says : “I am not evil. I’m the devil, I punish evil.” That is his way of saying he does not enjoy torture, he hates it but that is his punishment. In the end he is just looking for love and acceptance. Making him quite human.
And if you ask me on what my beliefs are, i feel like there is no greater force pushing us in the wrong or right direction. We have free will, and we will get what we give hopefully in this life.
The first time I heard the word bucket list I was very young but non the less amazed by this idea. How people, grown ups mostly, take a pen and paper and write down what they want (be it an object or an experience) and work hard on achieving their goals throughout the year. How is this different from writing to Santa? I wondered.
The truth is, it’s not.
And this gives me hope that maybe deep down we are still children who just wish to have fun and enjoy themselves. So I encourage you to pick up a pen and paper and start writing. Wish for anything, don’t hesitate. And who knows, maybe Santa will give it to you this year.
I don’t want to think too much. I have found out that the more I think, the better I want to do things, the worst they get. So this time there is no holding back. Hi. This is me:
Just Because 